“I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan’s angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first, I didn’t think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me,
“My grace is enough; it’s all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness.
“Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ’s strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so, the weaker I get, the stronger I become.” (2 Corinthians 12:7b-10, The Message)
I am a “fix it” person. The purpose of my life has been to provide, protect and serve my spouse and our children. For over four decades I found nothing I could not fix (or hire someone to fix). I enjoy a 45-year marriage. Our children are Jesus followers, have great careers and are well loved by their communities. In my work I excelled in roles where I was tasked to solve a problem, start something new or fix dysfunctional work groups. I was proud of my ability to “make it happen” and “get it done.” People relied on me, and I delivered. In my personal life I successfully managed my propensity to be overweight, I ran the New York City Marathon, I continually invested in learning, I practiced Bible reading and prayer — anything I set my mind to do, I did it.
I behaved as if I could handle the day-to-day stuff, and if I ever needed God I would “give him a call.” I never considered it “pride,” yet it was.
Last year I received the diagnosis of having an incurable lung disease. There are medicines to slow the progression of the disease, but no cure. The pace at which the disease progresses varies from person to person. A rapid progression means death in a few years while slower progression might mean dying of the disease a decade or more in the future. I can’t fix it, nor can I hire it to be fixed.
A few months after my diagnosis I learned our grandson has Down syndrome and some heart defects. I can’t fix it, nor can I hire it to be fixed.
Now what? How do I manage the new experience of having serious “unfixable” problems?
There are days of despair. I fear the process of dying. I am sad that I may have only a few years with my grandsons. I worry about being a burden to my wife and children. I hate that my illness and death will likely be our grandchildren’s first experience with grief. I hurt for the anxiousness my children feel about our grandson’s vitality, health, happiness and future welfare. Relative to both situations, I sometimes “catastrophize” imagining the worst possible outcomes. I am frustrated and angry that I cannot FIX IT. On these days I have less hope. These are the days I feel blue. These are the moments when I cry.
There are more days of hope, born out of faith. On these days I seize the opportunity to say what needs saying, do what needs doing, act in service of my health and support of our children and grandchildren. My spouse and I travel, invest in relationships, do things we enjoy, plan for future fun and create strategies about whatever the future might hold.
Since I can’t fix my health or my grandson’s health, I put my hope and faith in doctors, medicines, hospitals, support groups and the like. Like King Asa, a righteous king of Judah, I trust in my physicians for healing. (2 Chronicles 16:12) My hope and faith are not disappointed yet not satisfied. I am grateful for my doctor’s care, the medicine I take, the vitality of our grandson and the support he and his parents receive. However I have my disease, and my grandson has Down syndrome and a heart defect. Faith in health care, support groups, wealth, friends and family, and church community does not eliminate disease, emotional pain or death.
I’ve been “Christian” all my life, and for all my life I have struggled to be a “believer.” Do I truly believe God loves me, cares for my welfare and redeems me for a time and place where there will be “… no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain … ”? (Revelation 21:4, BSB) Do I believe God intervenes in my little day-to-day life when there are so many other pressing problems people and nations experience?
Paul, the apostle, had this same circumstance. In his writings Paul asserts that nothing separates us from God’s love, Jesus’s redemption and our eternal joyful life. He shares his experience of praying to God asking to be healed of a physical ailment. Despite God failing to say yes to Paul’s prayers for healing, Paul assures me everything will be fixed, and both my grandson and I will be made whole … FOREVER. Paul reminds me that God’s grace is enough, it’s all I need and that God’s strength manifests itself in my weakness.
Counterintuitively, Paul says in hardships, disappointments, illness, rejection, abuse, opposition, disease, dying and all the other problems we face, we find strength, God’s strength. I struggle to understand and embrace this truth. Even after five decades of being a Jesus follower, I still need to grow in my faith journey.
I pray God will help my unbelief. As I age and die, I pray I may be calm, courageous and compassionate. I pray more earnestly now for our children and grandsons. Every joy is sweeter now. Every interaction is important. Every day is more precious. Time with my grandsons is a time of focused attention. Conversations with our adult children are intentional. Holding my wife as we wake up, more intense. I have fewer moments of despair. I am calmer. I am more grateful. I behave as if I believe. In my weakness I am stronger.
What “unfixable” things have you experienced where you were forced to put your trust and hope in God?
How do you find gratitude in experiencing life’s struggles that force you to trust and hope in God?
When you struggle with not believing, what do you do to strengthen your trust and hope in God?